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Rules of (same-sex) Engagement
January 24, 2010
By guest poster Caitlin Maloney
[Note by Julia. Caitlin is the Courage Campaign's Equality Hub Manager. She proposed to her fiance Jennifer Alesio last weekend, who wrote a guest post of her own yesterday. That's Jen on the left and Cait on the right.]
Maybe it is just that Harvey Fierstein is in town, but as someone who–just one week ago–asked the love of my life if she might marry me, I was surprised by how much I found myself relying on the tropes and traditions our culture has put in place to negotiate the process of engagement. I suspect that I was in a similar state of confusion as the myriad of ‘proposers’ who came before me. I didn’t know anything about diamonds or engagement rings, nor did I have a desire to learn more than was absolutely necessary. Who was I supposed to ask for permission? Certainly her mother and father, but what about her step-parents who have played such a wonderful and influential role in her life? Or her siblings, who mean more to her than most anything else?
While some of these questions I was left to navigate on my own, I knew Jenny’s ideal engagement was pretty conventional, so I was legitimately relieved to be able to rely paragons of ‘traditional engagement’ to guide me through much of the rest. The jeweler walked me through process of purchasing a ring and determining what size her ring finger even was. The hotel suggested roses and sparkling wine placed in our room for our return (for those who know me, yes, the wine was the one part I might have come up with if left to my own devices). And, they helped me to make reservations at the newly opened fancy restaurant where we were seated at a beautiful table and congratulated by everyone from the hostess to the sommelier. Other pieces of tradition came more naturally. While neither Jen nor I had been engaged before, it was almost second nature to begin making elated phone calls – parents first, then siblings- only minutes after she said yes.
These well-traveled paths helped me to make my way through one of the most important, exciting and overwhelming moments of my life. Is it possible to get by without them? Absolutely, and in my line of work I’ve heard stories of all manner of wonderful engagements between thoughtful committed couples that entirely reinvent the proverbial “engagement” wheel. But for me personally, without the benefit of these signposts, I don’t know that I would have made it through the last few weeks without a significant threat to my mental health. And it is for this reason that I have developed some understanding of why same-sex marriage is perceived as a threat by so many Americans with whom we share so many common dreams and aspirations; the goal of building a family.
Certainly, as guided as I was by some traditions, an engagement between two women is anything but ‘traditional.’ So, like it or not, there were places where the rules of engagement, if you will, needed to be amended or straight up invented. Which one of us was supposed to propose? Once I did, was she supposed to propose back to me? Buy me a ring? And the wedding is just the beginning. Are we having kids? For us, a resounding yes. But which one of us? Or are we adopting?
And it is in contemplation of those un-easily answered questions, that the fear of same-sex marriage, same-sex couples even, starts to take shape. What would I have done if I hadn’t had ‘tradition’ to guide my engagement? For others, I suspect, that question takes on a darker tone. How do we define engagement, how do we define marriage, if the most basic assumption about gender don’t hold true? What is left of these traditions that–myself included–so many of us hold so dear? In essence, the ever-present fantasy of the 1950s nuclear family is, in fact, on trial.
Underneath the public discussion about same-sex marriage is another, much more confused discourse: about the nature of marriage and the definition of family itself. Without reliance on tradition, whether real or imagined, we begin to realize that the family- the central defining social structure in many of our lives- is a fluid concept that takes work. Frankly, it takes a lot of energy to get your mind around that, and as I realized last weekend, it IS scary.
What I know is that we will be happy, our children will be loved and that our little family will be accepted by all of our relatives (yes, we know that we are lucky in this way) and by our friends. So all of the worry about corrupting tradition aside, I know that my family will be stronger for it. For having to make these decisions consciously, and not without a bit of worry. And in the end, I hope that we can all agree that this is more important than whether or not we look a little a-typical sitting next to each other in our family photo.
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24 Comments Leave a Comment
1.
Lies | January 24, 2010 at 5:16 am
My girlfriend and I just got officially engaged a few weeks ago, and I totally hear you on what you're saying about 'traditional' engagement rules – it's not easy to navigate one's way through such a heteronormative tradition, but in the end, it worked just fine and was a lot of fun for us
. Because we're in different countries – I'm in Europe – we sadly have to wait a few years to actually get married, but the engagement excitement is still there.
You two look adorable together, and I wish you all the luck & love in the world. I'm sure the US will one day recognize same-sex marriage… and I hope it will be one day soon.
2.
Jerry Halstead | January 24, 2010 at 5:25 am
As a Gay guy I often wondered why so many straight, family-orientated people are opposed to same sex marriage. This post helps me understand. I never realized how many of these marriage and family related traditions I hold even though I understand that more often than not our 1950s idea of the, "Ozzie and Harriet," nuclear family were frequently a myth. But, the truth is that traditions die hard. Yet, there's really nothing wrong with many of the traditions. We simply must face the fact that both straight and Gay people hold these traditions dear, and would do nothing to destroy the love and affection of the "traditional" family.
3.
Richard | January 24, 2010 at 5:45 am
Caitlin, as I said in response to Jen's blog post yesterday, CONGRATULATIONS!!! And you two ladies deserve all the best life has to offer you. And thanks for the picture of the two of you. Thank you for your courage in posting here. Betwen the two of you, all the other LGBTQ's who hve posted here on this site, and our straight allies, I have wept so many tears of gratitude that Kleenex and Scott have both offered me stock options. This is an absolute G-dsend!
4.
Richard | January 24, 2010 at 5:46 am
Oops! Forgot to hit th subscribe button again. Here I am with greying hair (what isn't just turning loose and leaving, LOL!) and having a blond moment. Ouch!
5.
Erin | January 24, 2010 at 5:52 am
Even from this one photo it's easy to see how in love you are.
As for tradition – it seems to me that breaking it is half the fun! Good luck exploring uncharted waters and maybe coming up with a few new traditions of your own.
6.
Loren | January 24, 2010 at 6:13 am
Congratulations from the bottom of my heart! I got married myself a little over a year ago, and it was the best day of my life. I wish you all the joy I've felt since then.
7.
Desert Verdin 1 of 1 | January 24, 2010 at 6:33 am
Congratulations, Jen & Caitlin!
We've been together just under 17-1/2 years and finally married in CA in 2008.
While my family has recognized us as a couple for the bulk of that time, her family has had a harder time. Our marriage (in her parents' garden with my mom officiating – thanks ULC!) made a huge difference. Now her family and family friends understand the nature of our commitment – and that's because of tradition.
Tradition. It's what marriage is. People have a framework for it, for understanding what it means to the two people in it. Her parents' friends were gently teasing me the day of the wedding. I helped them do that because it was clear to me they were reaching out. She called to me from the other room. I answered, "Yes, dear." The men laughed and laughed, and told me I'd learned well.
No one had/has a framework for understanding what a "civil union" or "domestic partnership" means – because there's no tradition.
And you each make the tradition into what works for you, together. Do with it what you will, what makes you happy. We wrote our own vows. No one walked either of us down the aisle. No one gave away ether of us.
Forge your own path. Love each other. Be excellent to each other! And again, my hearty congratulations!
Love,
DV
8.
michael | January 24, 2010 at 6:47 am
Congratulations!!! You both deserve each other and look very happy in your photos!
I was just stuck with something that another poster said.
Thinking about what Helen Zia said on the stand I think that since it is such a tradition of ours not to insult someones spouse maybe they are just worried that they will find it harder to make those hateful comments to/about someones Wife/Husband. Our Wife or our Husband.
It is just something that "we" as Americans just don't usually do. You don't insult someones spouse. I think that if people begin to see us differently those making all this money on the "Fight The Gays" BS will go out of business. If they begin to loose control over the people that they "manage" what will be left for them to do?
WTF is Maggie G going to do with the rest of her life?
What do you all think?
9.
Brian | January 24, 2010 at 7:00 am
As a thought, you *both* could have children – you could impregnate yourself with the same sperm donor, and therefore, the children would be half-siblings as well.
Whether or not you permitted the sperm donor to play a part in the upbringing of the children would be your own personal choice, naturally.
10.
Liz | January 24, 2010 at 7:35 am
I, on the other hand, have seen this thing called romance and marriage from both the "straight" side and the "gay" side. I married at 18, had 4 children and became a grandma. I then split from the man I was with for almost 35 years. I have remarried to the woman who I have realized is the love of my life and completes me in so many ways. We married in July of 2008 after being engaged since February of 2007. I should have that choice as anyone should. Congrats to all the other newlywed out there!!
11.
TO [name hidden in c | January 24, 2010 at 7:36 am
Congratulations!! I am so happy to hear your story, as I can relate to it strongly. I also am in the process of figuring out how to propose to my partner of nearly 5 years, and I'm finding that it is confusing, scary, exciting, and not at all easy. I agree, the traditions that do exist are helpful, where they apply. I wish you the best for you and your partner. Thank you for reaching out by posting this.
@#7 (Desert Verdin), I love what you said about the tradition of marriage and its importance because it is a tradition. I've not heard it put so eloquently.
12.
Steve | January 24, 2010 at 7:52 am
Congratulations, and thank you for sharing your story. As a famous dude once said, "Be excellent to each other."
13.
Juli | January 24, 2010 at 8:52 am
Deep thought, maybe only Miss Manners knows for sure: when men marry men, they are still Mr. and Mr. When women marry women do they become Mrs. and Mrs.? Or does the title Mrs. refer to the last name of the spouse when it is taken? For that matter, I don't know if it is proper to call my SIL Mrs. since she did not take my brother's name when they married. Do we just stick with Ms. and Ms. as good feminists? I love contemplating these kinds of problems, and welcome any others that full marriage equality might bring.
14.
plublesnork | January 24, 2010 at 11:42 am
Congratulations. I wish you both all the best for the future.
As another commenter said, breaking tradition is sometimes half the fun. I'd strongly suggest you actually analyse some of the traditions and see if they deserve observance.
One of my favourite performers penned the following succinct lyric in one of his songs: "I don't go in for ancient wisdom. I don't believe that just because ideas are tenacious, it means that they're worthy".
It's long held traditions of bigots that have deprived the LGBT community from equality for so long. I think it's important for the free-thinking among us to take a look at such things and seprate the harmful from the good and the harmless.
You and your beautiful fiancee are your own person, too. No one owns you. It's not for parents to permit your engagement. Ask for their blessing, not their permission.
As for the other traditions like the rings, surnames, etc, that's open for adjustment or complete abandonment. You're a team. Work together and make your own traditions. When it comes to this part of your life, the only people you should really care about pleasing is yourselves.
This may seem like a rant, but I'm terribly happy for you both and I want to see you both make it everything it can be without trying to adhere to customs that are only important if you want them to be.
15.
Chris | January 24, 2010 at 2:14 pm
Congratulations. This straight guy got a little emotional reading your story. Thanks for making new traditions.
16.
Patti | January 24, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Many congratulations on your engagement! My wife and I were married at SF City Hall in September 2008, after being together for 27 years. I honestly can say that I was the happiest I have ever been in my life during our ceremony. You are truly fortunate to have such supportive families. All the best to you both in your new journey together!
17.
Jay | January 24, 2010 at 5:46 pm
Congratulations to both of you!! I wish you all the happiness for your life together.
18.
A Mom | January 24, 2010 at 6:18 pm
Congratulations to Jen & Cait!! You're both adorable and I'm so glad you've found each other and want to build a life. As the posters above mentioned … this is YOUR beginning and YOUR life … pick & choose from past *traditions* that are meaningful to you or make up your own. This will be your day to remember forever, so make it what YOU want <3.
Babies? It's awesome that either one (or both of you) can bring a new life into the world! Love the suggestion above to use the same donor so the little ones will be half-sibs. Suggestion if you both want to carry a child … don't do it at the same time – raging pregnancy hormones & sleep deprivation for new mommies is a nightmare! (haha) — but we're getting ahead of ourselves …
Be good to each other and enjoy the bliss of a lifetime together. Much love!
xo
19.
Lymis | January 24, 2010 at 10:24 pm
Congratulations on you engagement.
Get over the danger to straight people and tradition.
The constant "concern" that 2% of the population who might do things differently will be responsible for destroying what works for everyone else is one of the straw men that are set up to deny us our rights.
Straight people can get engaged, wed, and be married any way that works for them, without any regard for gay couples at all. If they do change things to a more equal model for responsibility, or they do change the traditions, it will be because that is what works better for them, and if they do it based on what gay people come up with for ourselves, it won't be because we ruined anything, but because they see something valuable in what we do.
There is this constant handwringing that two brides in white or two grooms in tuxes will destroy wedding traditions as we know them – entirely overlooking that straight people are out there at Elvis chapels, having Starfleet weddings, or convincing a minister to skydive with them for their ceremony.
Any changes that are unique to gay people will be such a small percentage of the variations already going on with regards engagements and weddings that other than the novelty factor, nobody will even notice.
And if anyone thinks that the wedding industry is going to graciously release its stranglehold on straight people, forget it. They are already salivating about getting the gay dollars. For God's sake, Ellen DeGeneris had designers fighting over the opportunity to design her wedding pantsuit. Guarantee the industry will survive.
What's at risk is gay people's freedom to do it however the hell we want to – once society stops hyperventilating that we are marrying at all, they will knuckle down to the real business of telling us how we have to do it to be socially correct. Count on it.
20.
Patrick Regan | January 24, 2010 at 11:22 pm
Congrats! My fiancee' and I got engaged last April. It's good to hear other stories of two people taking that extra step and showing each other how much they love one another.
I am straight, and I can tell you that many of your experiences were exactly the same as mine. I needed lots of help to get me through the whole ordeal. I'm glad to hear that your engagement went well, as did ours. Three cheers for you two.
Love,
Pat
21.
Marko Markov | January 24, 2010 at 11:46 pm
Congratulations! I wish you to be the best family in the whole straight world!
Love,
Marko
22.
Karin | January 25, 2010 at 1:18 am
Congratulations, Jenny and Caitlin! It's wonderful that you have such supportive families. They will go a long way towards validating your relationship to the world.
There is nothing so affirming as having your loved ones participate in one of the most important days of your life. I was blessed to have my mother give me away, my sister as Matron of Honor, and both my dad and my grandfather dance with me at the reception.
As for tradition, take what you can use and leave the rest behind.
Best wishes for a long and happy life together!
23.
Lydia | January 27, 2010 at 12:51 am
I'd like to echo Patrick Regan's remarks that the engagement experience btw a man and a woman is similar to that of two women. Having been engaged and briefly married before it ended with me coming out, I read your post with a sense of nostalgia. Although the sense of "this is how it all works" does offer a path to straight couples, they are having the same discussions you and Jenn had- now do I buy you a ring? Who's in charge of what with the wedding planning? Do we have kids? Who's going to stay home/adjust career goals? Should we adopt?
Having contemplated the possibility of asking my long-term girlfriend to marry me, and struggling with the same nerves my ex-husband likely felt with me, I have been really surprised how similar the experience is. We've never really talked about it, but I know I would be the one to propose. I can see what roles we would naturally fall into.
I think you hit the nail on the head, Caitlin, that this perceived difference is what shakes up the anti-gay rights folks. And I think it hits on something deeper than a desire to protect traditional marriage. If we gays can proceed however feels right, than why did so many others before us have to fit into the confines of what was expected? Their perception that we can go about this differently undermines the tough sacrifices they made to make their marriage work. Sometimes having those questions answered ahead of time is more of a burden than a blessing.
But regardless of whether we marry someone of the same or opposite gender, we are all experiencing the same joys and struggles, sometimes looking at each other wondering, "aren't you supposed to do that? and why are you staring at me?"
All my best to you and Jennifer in this next stage of your life together. And thanks for the thoughtful and touching post!
24. What are the Rules of Gay&hellip | December 12, 2011 at 10:30 am
[...] are looking to “traditional engagement” rules for guidance. Caitlin Maloney shared her same-sex engagement woes on Prop 8 Trial Tracker:“I was surprised by how much I found myself relying on the tropes and traditions our culture [...]
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